Speaking about his mother’s death helps Ty grieve, but people keep avoiding the topic

When you ask 16-year-old Ty what happened to his mother, he will tell you straight up.

“My mum died of cancer when I was 10,” he said. 

“She was first diagnosed on my fourth birthday and sadly lost the battle in 2019.”

Over the past five years, Ty has devoted much of his life to keeping his mother’s memory alive. But he’s faced pushback from adults who prefer to avoid the topics of death and cancer when he’s in the room.

Ty describes his mum, Jacqueline, as a go-getter who began every day with a big smile.

Jacqueline was confident, energetic and always in a cheerful mood. She went out of her way to make others happy.

“Mum was well-spoken and loved to draw,” Ty said.

Ty and his mother were very close. As her strength began to fade, the thought of losing her pained him. When she eventually passed, he was devastated. 

News of her passing spread quickly through their community. People were eager to pass on their best wishes. It was a lot for a 10-year-old to take in.

Losing another relative a short time later, Ty dealt with more grief in a few months than most Aussie kids experience in a whole childhood.

Ty said he found power in knowledge. He asked questions, he spoke to relatives, and he shared his suffering with friends. This was what helped him carry on.

“It’s been hard, I was very sad.”

Child psychologist Cassie Xintavelonis says approaching death with young people can be tricky, but it’s important to give them the support and space they need to grieve.

“It can be really uncomfortable for adults to talk about, but we need to almost put that to one side and think about what’s in the best interest of the child,” Ms Xintavelonis said.

“Set up and establish some ground rules at the start of the grieving process.

“They may not utilise all of the opportunities available but let them know that you’re there and you’re going to check in.”

Let me speak

Ty used to find it difficult to even think about his mother’s death.

Over the past five years, in an attempt to heal, he made a conscious effort to talk about the experience and reminisce about the good times.

“The memories I have of my mum will last a lifetime.”

But Ty became frustrated when he realised people around him were actively avoiding the topics of death and cancer out of fear of upsetting him.

Ty said he was happy to answer any questions, and he would often ask people what they would like to know.

“I think this reassures them and allows them to open up with me a bit more.”

As someone who experienced immense grief at a young age, Ty felt compelled to use his experience to help educate other children.

“Open up,” he said.

“It can be tough at first, but you’ll be shocked at how reassuring and supportive everyone can be.”

He has also implored adults to have difficult conversations with young people, even when they are concerned about how the child might react.

Listen and adapt

As a child psychologist, Cassie Xintavelonis has devoted many hours of her professional life to supporting young people through times of heartbreak and despair.

Ms Xintavelonis emphasises the importance of factual, direct and honest conversations with children. She also highlights the need for adults to adapt their responses based on a person’s age.

Very young children may ask several questions, in a variety of environments, over an extended period time.

“They have a really different concept of what death is,” Ms Xintavelonis said.

Older children may want to get straight to the point.

Regardless of age, ensure they have a supportive person they can go to and a space they feel comfortable in. Then, let them speak and answer their questions as best you can.

This includes avoiding phrases such as “they have gone to sleep” or “they have gone away”, which can create confusion. Instead, opt for words like “death” and “dying”.

While Ty has been comfortable speaking openly about the death of his mum, Ms Xintavelonis acknowledges not everyone is capable of this.

In instances where children find talking difficult, adults could consider other communication methods like drawing, writing a letter or typing a text message.

“There are many ways to communicate … even being in close physical contact without talking can help too,” Ms Xintavelonis said.

Validate their feelings

At a time when there is so much death and destruction in the news, parents should be prepared for an increase in sensitive questions from children, said Susanne Legena, CEO of Plan International Australia, a global organisation dedicated to child-friendly spaces.

“You really have to make time to listen and validate their feelings,” Ms Legena said.

With childhood being a sacred time in a person’s life, Ms Legena emphasised the need to strike a balance between being truthful and protecting a young one’s innocence.

“Answer their questions but don’t go beyond that, let them lead the conversation,” she said.

The death of a parent or a loved one can make a child grow up much faster than their peers, but Ms Legana stressed it was crucial to allow children to be children for as long as possible.

Kicking goals

As Ty stands in the goal square on the soccer pitch or opens the first page of an exam, he knows his mum is never far away.

“If I’m feeling down or worthless, I can hear my mum’s voice telling me to keep going, to keep fighting.”

He recalls a night at soccer training where he was strapped to the back of the goals and was asked to stop as many balls passing through the square as possible.

“Then I heard my mum’s voice telling me to keep going, so I did.”

The 16-year-old, who dreams of becoming a mechanical engineer, also spoke of the value of strong family relationships through tough times.

“It was really hard for everyone,” Ty said.