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Getting a young child to listen to you as a parent can be exhausting work.
When they don’t listen, you probably get stressed and their emotions heighten – long story short, things go nuclear very quickly.
There are tantrums, hitting, possibly kicking.
One parent asked HuffPost UK what they can do about their child, who is three-and-a-half years old and simply just won’t listen.
“He is very active, intelligent but a naughty child,” the parent said. “For the last few months, he has stopped listening to us (my husband and I). We have tried all the ways but it’s become so difficult for both of us and very exhausting (mentally and physically) to handle him.
“We try to listen to him and bring him whatever he asks, do whatever he asks us to do, just to make him understand that we love him and listen to him and expect him to do the same, but it all goes in vain.
“I am afraid he might develop an attitude just like this with the growing age. What should we do? Also, we shifted to another country a few months back only and he has not started going to childcare yet.”
What does an expert recommend?
For Counselling Directory member Debbie Keenan, the child’s behaviour seems like “a natural response” to both his developmental stage and also the transition of moving to a new country.
“At this age, children experience a growing need for autonomy while still relying on external regulation from parents to help them manage big emotions and big behaviours,” she says.
“Moving to a new environment can intensify feelings of uncertainty, leading to testing boundaries, seeking control, and expressing emotions through sometimes challenging behaviours.”
Try to stay calm when your child doesn’t listen
Staying calm when your child a) isn’t listening and b) is doing the exact thing you told them not to do, can feel like a pretty impossible task at the best of times – let alone after a long day at work, or if it’s the 100th time that day and you’re banging your head against a brick wall.
But Keenan says: “If you are stressed, your toddler will pick up on this. Calming your toddler down starts with regulating your own nervous system.”
Children, especially toddlers, are “highly attuned to their parents’ emotional states”, adds the therapist.
So when you’re stressed, overwhelmed, exhausted or frustrated, your child will likely pick up on these cues and mirror them, escalating the situation further.
What can you do then? Try to stay calm. Take some big breaths yourself. If you need to, step back from the situation and “tap in/tap out” with your partner.
“You can model and teach emotional regulation by speaking calmly and slowly when addressing him. Encourage deep breaths when he is frustrated, model by taking a deep breath yourself,” she adds.
“Also, it may be beneficial to practice mindfulness finger breathing or petal breathing together.”
Use positive reinforcement
When you’re exhausted and stressed it can be easy to fall into a cycle of negativity, but this can only make things worse.
“Although it may be difficult, avoid focusing too much on negative behaviours,” says Keenan.
She recommends to instead use positive reinforcement and praise good behaviours as much as possible.
Set boundaries – and really stick to them
One thing that’s really important with kids is to set firm but loving boundaries – and really stick to them.
“Children feel safer when they know their limits,” says Keenan. “Use clear, calm language: ‘I understand you want to go outside, but right now, we are doing this.’ Stick to your decisions without negotiation. Firm, but kind.”
Stick to the same routine as much as possible
A structured daily schedule can help children feel secure, reducing the need for disruptive behaviours as they learn to anticipate what comes next, says the therapist.
She advises setting fixed times for meals, play, sleep and incorporating good sleep hygiene in the run up to bedtime – for example, a bath before bed, dimmed lines, no screen-time, a story or calming activity.
The therapist points to the fact the child hadn’t started childcare yet and added that “embedding structure and routine at home can really help”.
Get down to their level
One simple communication technique which the therapist uses herself when speaking to young children is to get down to their level.
“When a child is struggling with listening, me kneeling or sitting at eye level while maintaining gentle, open body language embeds a sense of connection,” she explains.
“Additionally, if they struggle verbally to express themselves, I have toys out – when they are distracted playing, they usually talk when they don’t feel pressured. This approach can be used by parents and makes communication feel less authoritative and more cooperative, helping your child feel listened to and understood.”
Don’t give them everything they want
The parent mentioned they do whatever their child wants or asks them, and the therapist warns this “needs to stop immediately”.
“While responsiveness to a child’s needs is crucial, fulfilling every request to gain compliance may inadvertently reinforce demanding behaviour,” she explains.
“Instead, setting clear and consistent boundaries teaches self-regulation. Using firm but calm language, offering limited choices, and implementing natural consequences can help him understand expectations.”
She offers the example that instead of giving into a demand, you could say: “We can play together after you tidy away your toys.”
“This maintains structure while still allowing him to feel in control,” she adds.
And lastly, look after yourself
Self-care is super important for parents – especially if you’re exhausted from trying to deal with tricky behaviour all day.
“If one parent is at home all day, give that parent a break for whatever they need: a relaxing bath, watching a film … start embedding richness into the day, whatever that looks like for you both,” says Keenan.
“It is important that you look after each other as well, don’t let this phase rupture your relationship.”
Ultimately, remember that this phase (and it is a phase) will pass.
