If you’re in a relationship where you feel more like roommates than a couple, you’re not alone. The issue, dubbed ‘the roommate phase’, can be a tricky one to navigate.
“Couples in this state likely feel a severe emotional disconnect; they function as cohabitants who share responsibilities, but lack the closeness that defines a healthy relationship,” writes psychologist Mark Travers for Forbes.
“Instead of being lovers or best friends, they become two people that simply share a space.”
If you’re in this position, your head might be filled with questions. Should you stay together despite feeling unhappy that there isn’t any romance? Should you leave?
Or should you try to dig yourself out of this roommate-shaped hole you’ve found yourselves in. And if so then where, oh where, did you put the shovel?
Recently, a 51-year-old man wrote to The Mirror to say he’s been married to his wife for 23 years, but in the past few years he’s really started to struggle with how they’ve drifted apart.
“We tend to do our own thing and keep our own schedule and, when we are together, we never talk about anything meaningful or have any fun. We’re just living together like roommates,” he told agony aunt Coleen Nolan.
The reader added that their sex life is “nonexistent” and they rarely argue because they’re “living separate lives”.
Coleen’s advice was simple: be direct. “You need to stop cutting yourselves off from each other and start communicating again,” she added.
Which leads to our first tip for those hoping to get out of a similar rut….
1. Communicate
Sex and relationships psychotherapist Miranda Christophers agrees that communication is key when you’ve entered the roommate phase.
“Talking about things so that you are on the same page can make it easier to start to make changes,” she tells HuffPost UK.
“When we get into particular patterns, we can feel less connected or confident about our relationship. If we communicate then we can understand where each other is and can work on changing things together.”
2. Take a trip down memory lane
The sex therapist also recommends revisiting the dating phase or an earlier time when you enjoyed your relationship, felt more connected or felt an increase in desire.
Think about the connection and intimacy you once shared: what did you enjoy in the past, and what might you want to experience going forward?
“This may involve creating quality time inside or outside of the home, exploring something new, or injecting some planning of things you can look forward to together,” says Christophers.
Talk about it with your partner and create time for yourselves as a couple. It’s all about injecting a bit of spontaneity, novelty or mystery back into your lives.
But the therapist caveats that while it’s important to be on the same page as you figure out how to get the intimacy and closeness back, it’s also important to carve out time for individual interests and healthy separateness. This can help in creating curiosity and interest in each other.
3. Boost your sexual currency
And lastly, “start to think about upping ‘sexual currency’,” says Christophers.
The term, coined by Dr Karen Gurney, describes all the non-sexual physical contact and communication we might have with our partner – the flirting, kissing, complimenting, touching and cuddling.
Make a conscious effort to increase these things in a bid to boost connection.
And if you don’t really know where to begin, “thinking back to earlier in the relationship can help you to think about the connection or chemistry you enjoy,” says Christophers.
“If it feels difficult to start, you may think of introducing it gently or talking to your partner about what each of you may enjoy.”
