When I hit my forties, I’d almost completely given up on finding love. I’d been married twice and had a few other relationships that left me more wounded than fulfilled.
Every relationship I’d had felt like hard work, and I was constantly left feeling insecure, attracting partners who were either unfaithful or emotionally unavailable.
By the time I reached my forties, I’d let go of the idea that someone was going to come along and complete me. I’d briefly explored dating apps, but the whole process felt transactional, as if people were presenting a curated version of themselves. There was often a mismatch between the person on the screen and the person I met in real life.
Eventually, it felt easier to imagine a life on my own than to keep riding the highs and lows of the dating world rollercoaster.
Inner work
Resigned to the fact that love wasn’t going to find me, I decided to embark on a project of loving myself, adjusting how I spoke to myself, how I cared for my body, and how I showed up for my own needs. I finally realised I was worthy of that kind of love.
This inner work in my forties led me to recognise that many of the relationships I’d attracted in the past were rooted in limiting beliefs I hadn’t even realised I was carrying.
Beliefs such as: ‘I’m not lovable the way I am,’ and: ‘I’m not important.’
When I silenced the old stories, something softened. I began to believe that love could feel different. That it could be safe. At the time, it was just a theory, but over time, I proved it to be true.
This allowed me to set stronger boundaries in my forties. I wasn’t willing to entertain dynamics that left me questioning my worth or feeling unstable. It wasn’t about being guarded, it was about being clear. There’s a quiet confidence that comes with age, and with it, a deeper desire for something real, safe, and soul-connected.
Finding love in my forties
In my forties, I wasn’t out there dating with a game plan or ticking off boxes.
My focus had shifted inward. I realised that if I wanted to experience a different kind of love, one that was safe, nourishing, and deeply connected, I had to start by giving that love to myself.
© GettyIt became less about finding someone and more about learning to love myself in the way I longed to be loved. Not in a surface-level, self-care-Sunday kind of way, but in the real, messy, daily practice of treating myself with respect, compassion, and tenderness.
From a Law of Attraction perspective, I knew that like energy attracts like energy, and if I wanted a love that felt emotionally available, consistent, and deeply connected, then I had to become that energy first.
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Meeting the one
I met my partner Nick through my work as a Law of Attraction coach. He’d been navigating a few personal challenges and felt that working with a coach might help. He later told me he’d felt drawn to reach out – like something in him just knew to get in touch with me.
We worked together for a few months, and while I always found him incredibly handsome and easy to talk to, I kept our dynamic firmly professional. I had no intention of crossing that boundary.
But during one of our final sessions, he gently let me know that he didn’t want to continue working together in a coaching capacity; he wanted to connect as friends. I intuitively understood what he really meant.
At first, it felt like a soft unfolding. Because he lived abroad at the time, we connected through long voice notes and regular video calls, once a week turned into twice, then three times, and before long, we were speaking almost every day. It gave us a chance to really get to know each other, without the pressure of being in person. It felt different, natural and safe.
We eventually decided to meet when he visited the UK, and what began as a gentle friendship slowly blossomed into something more. Then, when Covid hit, he ended up relocating to the UK permanently, and that’s when our relationship deepened into something more official.
What’s been so refreshing is that I’m in a relationship with someone who’s genuinely willing to do the inner work and grow together, something I’d never experienced before. That alone has been a breath of fresh air. Add to that the fact that he’s one of the funniest people I know, ridiculously handsome, and just a joy to be around… let’s just say I have moments where I still have to pinch myself that he’s in my life.
Advice for looking for love in midlife
1. Stop searching, start embodying the kind of love you want to receive
Love isn’t something you chase. It’s something you attract by becoming the version of yourself who feels worthy of the kind of love you desire.
2. Heal the patterns, not just the heartbreaks
If you’ve had painful or repetitive relationship cycles, look at the deeper beliefs driving them. Until you shift the story (e.g. ‘I’m not lovable the way I am’), you’ll keep attracting mirrors of that wound.
3. Learn to love yourself in the way you want to be loved
Give yourself what you’d usually wait to receive from someone else. If you want flowers, buy them. If you want to feel beautiful in pretty underwear, don’t wait for someone else to gift it to you; treat yourself. Make yourself the kind of breakfast you’d cook for someone you adore. Run the rose petal bath. Light the candles. When you show up for yourself in these ways, you shift your energy, and that shift is powerful.
4. Let your life be full, with or without a partner
Go where your creativity, fun and passion live. Dance, travel, create, connect. When you’re immersed in a life you love, love tends to show up in the most unexpected ways.
5. Know your non-negotiables
Chemistry is exciting, but compatibility is what lasts, especially when it’s paired with mutual growth. Be clear on what emotional safety looks like for you, and don’t compromise on that. But also remember that real love often involves two people growing together. The most beautiful relationships are built between people who are willing to do the inner work, hold space for each other, and evolve side by side.
6. Know your no
Saying ‘no’ to what isn’t aligned creates space for what is, but that doesn’t mean building a fortress. Listen to the ‘hell no’ in your body, but stay open to people who are willing to grow with you. Real love often requires flexibility, nuance, and discernment. The right person might not be perfect, but they’ll be willing – and that’s everything.
7. Ditch the timeline – trust the timing
There’s no “too late” when it comes to love. People meet soulmates at every age and stage of life. If you keep affirming that it’s too late for you, you may not even recognise love when it shows up. We tend to see the world through the lens of what we believe to be true, so be mindful of the stories you’re telling yourself. Stay open. Stay curious. The universe doesn’t run on deadlines – it runs on alignment.
“There’s no “too late” when it comes to love”
8. Don’t abandon yourself to find love
It’s natural to want love, but don’t lose yourself trying to get it. When we’re scared of being alone, it’s easy to compromise, overlook red flags, or stay in situations that don’t feel good. But that kind of love often comes at a cost, usually your peace, your energy, or your self-worth. Pay attention to where you might be settling just to avoid the discomfort of loneliness. Choose alignment over attachment. Presence over panic. You don’t have to trade your wholeness for company.
9. Pause when you’re pushing
If it feels like you’re pushing, forcing, or trying to make something happen, pause. Love rooted in alignment doesn’t require you to abandon yourself to maintain it. When you’re clear on your core values and connected to what your heart truly desires, not what your insecurities or impatience are calling in, everything shifts. You naturally start to attract relationships that feel good, secure, authentic, and safe. You are not behind. Some of the most powerful, passionate, soul-aligned relationships happen later in life, once you know who you are, what you want, and how you deserve to be treated.
